Sometimes I get lost

Sometimes I get lost. 

Lost in the business of life, lost in someone else's life, lost in the world. 

Often times it takes something like a breakup or a close call to wake me up and remind me that I need to find myself again. 

I recently had a breakup. I found out that I had lost myself once again. I got lost in his world of deceit, rush, and alternate reality. 

After all this I wake up and find myself all turned around and I'm spinning in circles trying to find a path to take. 

My first choice has always been horses. I know that when I'm on a horse's back the stress and worries melt away. The path seems clearer, I understand the wrong and can see where to go. 

Life seems better. The world is less scary. The leather slides through my fingers, the smell of horse sweat, the saddle creaking, the steady fall of the hooves. My life seems to take shape, my future is bright, I have hope again. 

I untack when I get home, rub my horse down and thank him for the ride. A kiss is given and I turn him loose to join the herd. He walks a few steps and looks back at me as if to say, 'you gonna be okay?', I say, "you go on, love ya boy", and he turns and goes. 

Then I walk back to the house, found for another day and excited about my future. It'll be good if I have horses involved. 

My Superpower is InnerStrength

Someone the other day made a comment to me that made me think. 

She commented that my past life has made me strong and that I might not see it now but it has. 

I replied with, that I know that I'm strong and in some ways I thank my raising because I'm so strong. 

I am amazed at how strong I am. I can look at most anything in life and say, I could that if I wanted to. It doesn't matter how scared I am, I can over come that and do anything. 

When I was asked what I'm scared of. I had to think, what am I actually so scared of that I wouldn't be able to over come my fear, that I would do the stereotypical, run screaming. 

I don't actually have a fear that strong. 

I mean, I have fears, I'm scared of men, I don't like water, poisonous snakes and spiders make me squirm, heights make my stomach churn, climbing on a fresh colt for the first ride has me shaking. 

But I climb on fresh colts for the fun of it, I talk to and deal with men in my day to day life, I love flying, I still climb in the boat and go out on the water and I still intend to travel where there are poisonous snakes and spiders. 

To me it's not what you're scared of that matters, it's how you deal with that fear when you are faced with it. Do you run screaming or do you square your shoulders and say 'well it's not going to get done unless I do it'. 

My strength has allowed me to square my shoulders and walk on with a confidence that I don't feel and face my fear with a grin.

After I'm done, I allowed myself to feel the nerves, then I knock the mud off my boots, adjust my ball cap look up with a smile and continue on. 

I never had a hero growing up. Anyone I looked up to wasn't there when I needed them most. Family, friends, fictional friends... 

About a year and a half after I moved out on my own I realized that I am my own hero. I moved halfway across a country to live with and work for complete strangers, I moved to a new town and found my own way, my house and my job on my own. When the trail collapsed and I was left fighting my way through the brambles I fought through it and found another way. 

I am strong, way stronger than anyone knows. 

They don't know that I get scared walking into a store by myself, they don't know that going out for drinks with a man scares the crap out of me, they don't know that a year ago a customer raising their voice at me almost left me in tears, they don't know that I am scared because I don't know my future, they don't know, they don't know at all. 

What they see is a confident walk, a bright smile for the gentleman, a calm attitude when handling that customer and me talking happily about my future. 

I face my fears, my strength pulls me through.

 I learn that some things aren't as scary as I thought so I gather confidence and strength from that and move on to the next level and more scary things. 

Strength is what keeps me rolling, keeps me from calling it quits on life.

Strength... My strength... 

That's my hero! 

This Girl

I'm a country girl and I'm proud of my roots. 

I can wear camo and make it look classy. I don't wear plaid because it's popular, I wear it because that's what I've always worn. I wear blue jeans and cowboy boots because that's what I'm most comfortable in. 

I can dress up or dress down. Put me in a dress and heels or jeans and muckers, I'll get the job done and it'll be done right. 

I've wrestled calves and broken in colts while wearing an ankle length skirt. 

A cow can kick me or a horse throw in a buck and I keep my cool. 

I'm not the fastest, I'm not the prettiest

I don't have to be

I am me

Checking in on life

Two years ago I wrote a list to help me explain to my doctor what I was feeling. 

Here is that list. 

Sadness

Anger, then turns to sadness

Fear and anxiety

No feelings ether way

Eating just out of necessity 

Highs are not very high

Lows are more common and last for a long time

Crying spells 

Hopeless

Life seems worthless

The smallest thing turns my high day to a low day

No energy

Forget everything

I'm a chameleon and I go with what ever someone says. 

When someone else is laughing, I can't eve imagine what it feels like anymore. 

I was diagnosed with severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress symptoms shortly after this. 

I went into intense therapy and my doctor started me onto a low dose medication.    

I reread this to remind myself what it was like, that I have come a long ways and that I need to maintain what I and so many other people have build and helped build. 

I am allowed to cry, I am allowed to laugh, I am allowed to express all the emotions that I am feeling. 

I am even allowed to sing and dance simply because I feel like it! 

If this is what it feels like to be a person, I want to help others to figure out how to feel this way. 

We are the grand daughters of the witches you weren't able to burn

You tried to sit us down, sew our mouths shut with our own needles and thread and kept us only in the kitchen because you knew how strong we were. You burned us at the stake, you beat us, you raped us, you bound us, shamed and spat upon us. 

One day we cut the ropes that bound us, in silence we struggled to our feet, we stumbled, we fell, we pulled ourselves back up with sheer determination.

We held onto one another to stay standing up right until our legs straightened and we gained our strength. We cut the threads that kept us silent and started to encourage each other, we built each other up with truths and love. 

We dug in deep and believed in ourselves. We found out that we had been lied to. We discovered why we had been bound. We weren't weak like you had told us, we were strong as hell.

We learned to carry ourselves with dignity. We maintained our class. We can look up with a smile and say 'fuck you' like it's a compliment. We can take criticism and use it to build our dreams into realities. 

We learned that it doesn't take brute strength to change the world, but rather a smarter plan and  determination. 

Sometimes we get a break and one of you gets it. You understand that we are human and that we are pretty badass! That gives us hope. There is light at the end of this long tunnel, the battle is showing signs of thinning. We are breaking through.

Finally we are almost free to embrace who we are. 

We are not meant to be bound. 

We must be free to go with the wind when it calls us. We need the rain to wash our souls clean. We need the danger to remind us that we're alive. 

Sometimes we are gentle. Sometimes we are strong and powerful. 

We are not a simply 'girls'

We are the most beautiful and dangerous storms you have ever seen.

Strength

Sometimes I have to remind myself, that no matter what, I can be anything I want to be so long as I put my mind to it. 

I found this quote and fell in love with it. 

Extremes

I have two extreme visions of where I want to live. 

One is out were I feel nothing but nature, raising horses and cattle. It's what I know and I know I can accomplish it if I work hard enough. 

This looks like heaven! 

But my other dream is to live in a big city. 

I want a loft apartment or a brownstone, I want to work in a small coffee shop, as an accountant, or possibly at a posh hotel. 

The city lights are alluring.  But at the same time they scare the hell out of me. 

I don't understand my two completely different dreams. 

I am a country girl through and through. Love my horses, wide open spaces, my spirit is wild and free like a mustang in the wind. 

But I'm not your average muddin, partying, redneck. I try my hardest to have class and I always try to dress tastefully even if I'm just going for a run or working around the farm. 

The big city has always appealed to my classier side. 

The farm has always appealed to my wild spirit. 

The obvious answer would be to earn enough money that I could own both a big city apartment/house and a farm, but that won't be happening anytime soon. 

No matter where I end up I have to remember to be true to me. Follow my heart even if it does scare me half to death.