Friday, November 1, 2013

My Love In Horses

As I am coming up on a two year anniversary of a very horrible day for me I am learning all about love and letting it happen. 

My two year old filly, Fandango, was shot by illegal hunters on November 7th 2011. 
She was a gorgeous rich bay, thick, long, mane and tail, she floated when she moved, she carried herself like royalty. She was my new spark back into horses.

You see, I was passionate about horses as soon as I got my first one!

Jenn, my first horse.

Eventually, through buying and selling horses I bought a sorrel Quarter Horse/Arabian gelding that I named, Zayn

He was my best friend. We could do anything together. He made me mad, he made me laugh, and he always fixed my bad days! He taught me how to ride bareback. 

A couple years later I bought a super cute bay Quarter Horse colt that I named Fury
We had lots of fun learning ground work. I played with him everyday, and he was always happy to see me!

Then my dad decided that we were moving back to the states.
I had to sell all my animals.

When I had to hear Zayn whinnying for me until he was far enough down the road that I couldn't hear him anymore, I died inside.
 I didn't show any emotion because 'he was just a horse'.

How we liked to hang out.

Zayn coming running over to me, because he was happy to see me.

Then about a month later I led my little two year old stallion over to a stranger's trailer, leading him with just my hand on his neck, and I had to load him up and watch that trailer disappear down the road. I died again.  

My little boy.

I felt guilty for letting go, even when I had no choice.

I felt I had betrayed Zayn.

I felt that I had lost my 'child' with Fury. 

My heart was torn out, in pieces laying on the frozen ground. 

Move down the road three years.
We were back in SK, back on a farm.
 I had owned, trained, and sold horses that were good horses, but I wouldn't let myself get attached.

Then someone gave me this filly. 
She was out of a QH stallion and a grade paint mare. 
She was beautiful! 
I named her Fandango.

 I was finally allowing myself to get attached to another horse. I was going to break her to ride the next spring as a three year old. 

 I allowed myself to love her.

One day she didn't come in with the herd.
 I went looking for her.
I walked the fence line and found a big mess of tracks, then the red all over. I prayed as hard as I could that it wasn't my girl, as I was following the blood trail.
I know enough about hunting to know that what ever had been shot, had gotten a low lung shot.
I tried to be optimistic, but I was starting to go numb as I knew it had to be her.  
There was the places that she had fallen down. 
The places that she had been coughing. 
So much blood! 
 I knew she had to be dead.  
I followed her trail for the 1/4 mile that she struggled from where she got shot, to where she collapsed the last time. 

It had been a couple of days, the wolves and coyotes had already been at her.
I couldn't even get a piece of her beautiful mane or tail. 
This time I had lost my heart completely. 
There was never any hope that I could get her back.I guess I just died.
 I still loved horses, but I didn't have the passion. 
I lost my passion for life. 

The family didn't understand. They added to the hurt with their 'just a horse' ideology. 

My girl was never buried.

I tried to not like horses any more.

But the love was there, deep down inside, I couldn't get rid of it.

So I continued to plan to go out to BC for my internship working with horses. 

My problem showed up when I started to work with the horses. As soon as I ran into a problem that made it essential to connect emotionally with the horse I would shut down. 
All the guilty memories came back. 
I could hear Zayn crying for me, I could see Fury looking at me in complete trust, and then I would follow that 1/4 mile through the snow to Fandango. 

I would collapse to the ground crying so hard that I couldn't breath, and I had no strength. 

As Sandra worked with me everyday she learned how to help me and she pointed me in the proper direction for the help that I needed that she couldn't give me.

One day I finally allowed myself to connect with a little paint mare, Pippy.
Pippy and I after putting my first ride on her. 

Then I reached out and allowed the connection that Blanche had offered to me on my first time working with her.

Sandra working with Blanche

As I rode and worked on the ground with these two girls I took the risk of loving again. 
They greet me every time I see them with a hug and a kiss.  
Letting me hold their head in my arms and letting me kiss them. They understand that I need them. I know that I won't have them forever. I know that I will be moving on in a few years and they will be staying here. But they have been the best healing horses and friends that I could ask for! 

Next spring I hope that I can ship my Coyote out here. I look forward to continuing my relationship with him. 
I never gave him the chance to become my best friend because I was too scared of getting my heart broken again. 
I know my dark knight will shine out like the true soul he is!

And one day with the help of my best friends giving me confidence, I will be able to transfer some of that love over to the human side of things, and tell that young man that I have liked for so long that I like him. 
But all things in due time. 


  1. So sorry for all your losses, Lydia. Your horses were such a big and important part of your life. I'm sure just putting all your thoughts and hurts down with the written word and pictures is a balm and important in the healing process. Think of you often in your busy year/s ahead.