Someone the other day made a comment to me that made me think.
She commented that my past life has made me strong and that I might not see it now but it has.
I replied with, that I know that I'm strong and in some ways I thank my raising because I'm so strong.
I am amazed at how strong I am. I can look at most anything in life and say, I could that if I wanted to. It doesn't matter how scared I am, I can over come that and do anything.
When I was asked what I'm scared of. I had to think, what am I actually so scared of that I wouldn't be able to over come my fear, that I would do the stereotypical, run screaming.
I don't actually have a fear that strong.
I mean, I have fears, I'm scared of men, I don't like water, poisonous snakes and spiders make me squirm, heights make my stomach churn, climbing on a fresh colt for the first ride has me shaking.
But I climb on fresh colts for the fun of it, I talk to and deal with men in my day to day life, I love flying, I still climb in the boat and go out on the water and I still intend to travel where there are poisonous snakes and spiders.
To me it's not what you're scared of that matters, it's how you deal with that fear when you are faced with it. Do you run screaming or do you square your shoulders and say 'well it's not going to get done unless I do it'.
My strength has allowed me to square my shoulders and walk on with a confidence that I don't feel and face my fear with a grin.
After I'm done, I allowed myself to feel the nerves, then I knock the mud off my boots, adjust my ball cap look up with a smile and continue on.
I never had a hero growing up. Anyone I looked up to wasn't there when I needed them most. Family, friends, fictional friends...
About a year and a half after I moved out on my own I realized that I am my own hero. I moved halfway across a country to live with and work for complete strangers, I moved to a new town and found my own way, my house and my job on my own. When the trail collapsed and I was left fighting my way through the brambles I fought through it and found another way.
I am strong, way stronger than anyone knows.
They don't know that I get scared walking into a store by myself, they don't know that going out for drinks with a man scares the crap out of me, they don't know that a year ago a customer raising their voice at me almost left me in tears, they don't know that I am scared because I don't know my future, they don't know, they don't know at all.
What they see is a confident walk, a bright smile for the gentleman, a calm attitude when handling that customer and me talking happily about my future.
I face my fears, my strength pulls me through.
I learn that some things aren't as scary as I thought so I gather confidence and strength from that and move on to the next level and more scary things.
Strength is what keeps me rolling, keeps me from calling it quits on life.
Strength... My strength...
That's my hero!